her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You Might Also Like
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok