My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
awkward
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England