I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.