*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
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Always 🥴
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.