I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
You Might Also Like
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?