office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Thursday Thought.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
bad news gang
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”