If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Nice try Hitler
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.