Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
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how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no