How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.