Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
You Might Also Like
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.