When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
went fishing caught a bass
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me