I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Don’t tell me what to do
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
The cashier just checked me out.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.