Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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This anagram machine is out of order.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
opening twitter today
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of