i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
accurate
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.