I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Left at a local drug store…
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”