PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
You Might Also Like
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
saving face 👀
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”