Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I cannot stop laughing at this
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
just having fun
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Body by sandwich.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
There’s only one good girl here!
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god