Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope