Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
This is always good for a laugh.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Body by Oreos
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking