*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You Might Also Like
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.