I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
$3 #books
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
girls literally only want one thing..
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.