Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*