You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You Might Also Like
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.