I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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