Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You Might Also Like
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.