I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?