Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“That’s what” – She
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
🍛
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.