absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you know, you know
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
yall want some gasoline milk
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.