Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
The cashier just checked me out.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…