“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys