*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
happy friday
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.