In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did