I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Noted.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.