Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I have never related to a cat more
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why