There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My dog learned how to text
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.