Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK