You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
You Might Also Like
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush