“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
You Might Also Like
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold