I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.