Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.