* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *