3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator