Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
But is it really??
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”