[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Danger is very dangerous
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it