waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
You Might Also Like
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme