Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*Seductively hides in the woods
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
and this one
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.