[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
You Might Also Like
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
is this a warning or an offer?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.