Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?