ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Sex so good you see dead people.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.