Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*